Step Outside/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW It's "the new red green show!" and now, here's a man who laughs all the way to the bank, but drives all the way back. Your host, your hero, my uncle, red gre-e-e-n! (cheers and applause) thank you very much. Appreciate it. Big, big event at the lodge this week. We're going to have a dogsled race. All the members have brought their dogs over. We've got enough for a team now. We've even got enough for a few spares. They're not huskies, but they are husky. It's amazing how they resemble their owners that way. Harold, what you got in your hair there? What? What? Right there. Oh, it's a twig. You know, I think you may be drinking too much water. No, no, I was a victim of gang violence. What?! Yes, yes, I was swarmed. Yeah, nine guys! They threw me down and sat on my head. Nine guys sat on your head? Who was it, the cirque du soleil? Okay, it wasn't nine, but the other eight didn't stop him. It's that new kid, tubby johanssen. I don't know him, harold, but you've got to learn to stick up for yourself. Just nail the kid, harold. Pow-pow! No! That's what I'd do. I know. It's no! Violence never solved anything. Look at you this morning trying to harness those chihuahuas to the sled. Well tubby and I, we're going to resolve our differences through mediation. Oh, harold, just nail him. Just nail him. No, what is the matter with your head? Well, for one thing, nobody ever sat on it. (applause) ôôô red green: Well, this week on the show, we've got wall-to-wall action for you. Lots of action happening. Boy, lots of action happening everywhere we go there, out on the pond, everywhere. Here's something you don't see very often. Even harold is getting a little action. Uproject is showing usled that there's no such thing as problems; just opportunities. See, our dogs are all different heights, right? So what we're doing, we're putting the dachshunds and chihuahuas up front, and we come back through with the basset hounds and the setters and then the shepherds, and right up to the great danes at the back there. And this way, every dog gets to see where he's going, which you know, when you think about it, is a lot better view than they get when they're all the same height. (laughter) (laughter and applause) so, how did it go, gandhi? Tubby sat on my head again. I think next time you should take a chair. Well, there's not going to be a next time. I realize now that tubby is just a product of a dysfunctional family. I'm simply going to go over there and sit down and discuss this with his parents. Oh, harold, don't be such a wuss! Just meet the kid in the schoolyard and nail him! Pow! Pow! Just like that. He's a bully; he's probably a coward. He won't even show. Just nail him. That's what I'd do. No, no, I can't hit another human being at all. Oh, sure. Punch me here, punch me right now. Punch me in the stomach. Punch me right here. Come on. No! No! It won't hurt me. It won't hurt. Really? Yeah, punch me right there. You know what, let her fly. We'll both feel better. Come on. Okay. Just go ahead. (laughter). It's a good sized target, isn't it? Oh, that's funny. Like that? See, I don't feel any better. Do you feel any better? Are you all right? You want me to hit you again? Not right now. Now? No, not right now. 'cause I don't ever want to have to hit you again. That was awful. I don't want to hit you ever again. Well, fine, suit yourself. (coughs) ôô oh, when you find a guy lying in your trunk ô ô and he's gagged, and he's all tied up ô ô you probably should phone the cops right away ô ô because chances are he's not an escape artist ôô it's time for the possum lodge word game! (applause) and this week, mr. Mike hamar will be playing for four hours of unlimited fun and high jinks at ethel's house of rubber. Uncle red, you have 30 seconds to get mr. Mike hamar to say this word. Blame. Blame. And go. Okay, mike, you do something bad, and the cops have nabbed you. You don't try to get away with it because you know you really are to... Drunk? No, okay, okay. You do something else wrong, okay, and the thing is you know you're the one to... Lie. No. Someone accuses you. They are laying... Their life on the line? All right, okay. Say somebody breaks into the lodge and steals something, you're going to help us find someone to... Frame? No, you know what, it rhymes with frame. Shame? No, no, no, c'mon. Oh, I know, maim. Almost out of time, uncle red. All right, all right. Let's say I do something stupid, everybody knows I did it. I go to the lodge meeting, what do I do? Blame harold. (frantic bell ringing) (crash!) (cow mooing) (horses neighing) red green: Man, don't you hate that? You come home after a tough day at the race track, and your wife hasn't found time to shovel off the driveway. Next thing you know, you're in the garage, and so is the door. You know, most vehicles are not designed to be garage door openers. The best solution, of course, is to spend your winters in florida, but for those of you on a fixed income, or maybe an income so broke it can't be fixed, I thought I'd take this week's handyman corner and show you how you could make your own heated driveway. The first thing you need is a stove. All right, well, when you get a handyman that is kind of short on education and experience he has to take a chance with logic, and I'm thinking, if you've got an oven, it's got the capability of taking a space this small and raising her up to about 500 degrees. So it just makes sense that that would be enough power to take a space this big and raise it up to above freezing. Now, I know scientists would probably sit down with a computer and figure out the b.T.U.S required and all that, but but I say let's just try it, and if it works, well, then we got it right; and if it doesn't work, well, at the very least we got through a Saturday without being forced to go shopping. Okay, the first thing we want to upgrade is the burner because we need something that is going to cover a lot more ground. I'm thinking chain link fence. I found this roll just sitting on the side of the main road there. Actually they're building a fence along the side of the forest. Hey, those trees aren't going anywhere! All right, what you want to do is unroll the fence and cut it, or whatever, until it covers the whole surface of your driveway. All right, there we go. Got the fence all hooked up there just like a burner. What you want to do now is hook the other end up to the various elements on your stove. (explosion) that's got it. (explosion) okay, now we're ready to turn our snow-covered driveway into a fresh-cooked driveway; one I call 'baked alaska.' you set your oven to 500 degrees bake, set your timer for spring, and you're done. Man. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. (electric shocks) I want to talk to you older fellows who may not be what you used to be way back when. You know, after a certain number of years of marriage you may find that the romance has gone from red hot down into the kind of lukewarm area. You know, I read one time, if you put a penny into a jar every time you andyour wife are intimate within the first year of marriage and then take out a penny every time you and your wife are intimate after the first year of marriage, you will never empty that jar. Take a moment now and think about all the penny jars at your house. But don't feel bad. I'm guessing your friends have a few jars of their own. Look at the bright side. Take it as a sign of the hot tamale you were back then, rather than focusing on the burnt-out pickle you are now. (laughter) you know, the way I see it, you're pretty darn smart. I think you should display those penny jars with pride. Anybody can be a stud, but you've used it to help finance your retirement. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. (applause) oh, yeah?! Oh, yeah?! Well, I'm going to be there at 7 o'clock, and you better be ready. Yeah! Yeah! Oh, okay, yeah. I know I am, but what are you? Trying to get a date, harold? No, no, that was tubby. I'm going over there, and I'm going to straighten him out, and I am taking the dukes of hazard with me. Now you're talking. Yeah, I'm going to clean his clock and then fix his wagon! He's going down. He's going down. Oh, yeah, I'm ready. Oh, yeah, I'm wild tonight. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow! Could have been -- could have been. All right, harold, you're standing up for yourself. Good for you, harold. I'm drawing a line in the sand, uncle red, I've had it. Oh, yeah, tubby is messing with the wrong maroon. Marine. What? All right, that's good. I'm going to go over there, and I'm going to settle this once and for all. All right, do you want to give me tubby's address, so I know where to send the ambulance? Don't worry, I'm not going to hit him that hard. Oh, I know. (laughter) ha ha ha. You don't worry. I can take care of myself. All right. (in w.W.F. Announcer voice) get ready to rumble! (cheers and applause) harold: Welcome to this week's meeting of men's anonymous. And, as always, I would like to ask my uncle red to lead us all in the men's anonymous pledge. Uncle red. Everyone: I'm a man, but I can change if I have to, I guess. (laughter and applause) harold: At this point in time, at this particular juncture at which we find ourselves, I'd like to ask mr. Dalton "h" to tell us his story. Dalton "h". Dalton: Okay, last week my wife and I went to shop at port asbestos, and of course, all the way there and all the way back she had to tell me where to drive. Uh-oh. And I let her. Yes, yesiree, I did. And of course, you're on the highway, and there's all these signs all the way along and they say, "port asbestos turn right," but you know, she still had to say, "turn right here." I didn't say a word. No, sir. And I didn't do that big sigh thing, you know, the one? (sighing) I don't say a word. I don't roll my eyes. I don't do the head thing. No, siree. I just let her tell me, and I don't say a word. Bravo! (applause) all right. There you go. We're very proud of you. I just need the group to help me with one thing. Anything. What can we do? Can you help me get my my fingers unclamped from this steering wheel? Oh. Pull! (applause) red green: Really excited about this week's adventure with bill because I'm not in it. It's harold and bill are out there. They're going to do a little ice fishing. Oh, boy. Oh boy. So much for that axe. Oh, oh, that's a crack. That ice is a little thin there boys. Complete opposite of yourselves. Yeah, yeah, good plan. Good plan. No, no, don't, get out. Get out. Go, go, go! All right, there you go. That's better. That's a little thicker, much like yourself, harold. There you go. All right. Okay. Just chop a hole there. There, you go. Oh-oh-oh. You better put ice on that injury right away. Oh, there we go. Now you're talking, bill. That's a power auger. That'll cut a hole right through. Just got to start that little pup up there. Problem with those things, once they start cutting you've got to keep a firm grip 'cause they'll bind on you, and you don't always -- you can't always get the good firm -- she's binding. She's binding. She's binding. She'll spin you. She'll spin you. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Oh, man! Later that week, we got fishing. Harold, you're getting a bite, getting a bite. Reel her in. Reel her in. You get a lot of little smelts this time of year, smelts and herring. Looks like you've got a northern pike. Oh, no, what the heck. Holy cow! The hole got a lot bigger. I don't know how that works. What is that thing? It's our ice fishing hut from last season. Oh, for gosh sake, she's in pretty good shape there too. Better move that over to -- yeah, move that over to another place there where you can -- there, there you go. Now you've got your own spot in there and harold and bill -- bill, I think you should -- I don't think there's room in there -- you can't get both of you and the auger in there. I don't think you can get both of you and the auger -- bill, bill, bill, bill, you can't -- bill, bill, you can't get -- bill you can't -- told you. Harold, don't. Oh, yeah, I was right. Okay, so they get that in there. Now, again boys, be careful. Be careful. 'cause if she binds on you, there's nowhere to go, there's nowhere to go, boys, if she binds on you. Boys, she's binding. She's binding. She's binding. Boys she's binding. Shut her down. Shut her down. Shut her down. You need a bigger ice shack. Well, that's enough from those ice holes. Dogs for our dogsled isn't dworking out so good. You know, this idea of having the big dogs at the back looked good on paper, but once they started running, you know, the dog that had a bigger stride there, kind of ended up going up and over the little dogs. So instead of two lines of dogs, we had sort of two rolling balls of dogs, which would have been okay if they were either all male or all female. The co-ed thing just didn't work out at all. (laughter and applause) so how did it go? I went up to tubby's, and I wanted to hit him. I really did. But you know, I just realized at the last second, I can't strike another human being. Looks like tubby didn't have that problem. No, not tubby, his dad! Yeah, he came out and he threw me down and sat on my head. Must be genetic or something. Well, harold, I wish I'd have been there. I would have decked him. I tell you, he would have gone down like bri-ex shares. Yeah, that's exactly what I told him. What? Yeah, I said you wait right there because my uncle red is going to come over here, and he's going to fix your wagon. Well, how -- how do you -- how do you mean? Well, I said, "just wait here, "and he's going to come over here, and he's going to clean your clock." c'mon, let's go clean his clock. You know I can't; I'd loved to, but I've got the dogs and I've -- well, tubby's dad says he's only going to wait there ten minutes. Then what? Then he said -- you know what he said? I'll tell you what he said. He said he's going to come over here, and he's going to beat you up right on your own tv show. All right. All right. All right. I'm going to go over and kick some butt. All right, kick his butt. No, no, no, no, I'm going to kick your butt. Come on. Come on. This is the repair shop part of the show we call, "if it ain't broke, you're not trying." joining me this week is edgar montrose. Oh, hi, red! Hi, mom! Edgar is kind of our local explosions and demolitions expert here. I wouldn't say expert, red. I'm more of an explosives enthusiast. Self-taught, from the school of hard knocks and soft apologies. All right. All right, okay. Got anything for us to fix here today? Oh, I agree. You know, red, I'm here because I have this hammer that needs repairing. It's my good hammer. I use it for hammering sticks of dynamite into tight holes. Well, why don't you just drill bigger holes, edgar? I don't like drilling. I like hammering. It really sharpens the reflexes, especially when the head comes off... Like that. Well, now, normally what I'd do here is drive a metal wedge in there to hold that on, but we want to be safe and secure, so I recommend the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape on this. Well, why don't you throw a little duct tape on that? How are the eardrums edgar? Oh, probably by Thursday. Okay, edgar, I understand last week you blew up the old flour mill up at port asbestos. Oh, that's right. Boy, that baby went off like a dry sneeze. A huge mushroom cloud of durum semolina. Talk about pre-sifted. How much would you get paid for a demolition job like that? Paid? Yeah. Oh, no, red. Just seeing 300 tons of flour suspended over possum lake is all the payment I need. I mean, to flatten that flour mill and not even scratch the gas station right next door. Gas station? No, no, next to the flour mill you've got the old railway shed there, then there's the bowling alley, and you got the fountain, then there's the gas station. It's not next door to the flour mill. It is now. (cheers and applause) oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. (pounding on door) let me in! Ah, geez. Geez. Well, that was interesting. Turns out I was the one who was messing with the wrong marine. You could have warned me about the size of the guy, harold. I didn't think it mattered. You said, "oh, I'm gonna nail him. "you know, a couple of quick ones, "pop! Pop!" oh, yeah. I didn't think he was that much stronger than you. Harold, I never thought an 18-year-old kid would have a father who was only 35. I never expected him to be a homicidal maniac and a body builder. I'll tell you, you take away his youth, his attitude and his steroids, what have you got? You. How did you know? I was thinking it, but it shouldn't have come out. But -- really -- but you're fast. You're in good shape. You're fast. Boy you were really running there. Don't be doing that. No, you were. I never would have caught you if I wasn't in the van. You're fast. I wasn't running out of fear. Oh, no, no. Standing and fighting that guy was a waste of my vital time and organs. No point coughing up a kidney if there's no recipient in the area. I mean, I couldn't -- I couldn't reason with the guy. But you proved yourself to be a bigger man. I think so. You turned the other cheek. And he nailed me with the canoe paddle. Sorry, I should have warned you about that. (possum call) it's meeting time. Are you going to come downstairs and tell the other fellows about the senselessness of violence now? I would if I had won. Yeah, okay, no, okay. You go ahead. So if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I'm through with fighting, but I haven't given up on the physical interaction between two adults, unless your dad comes over to watch the golf channel, in which case, the pendulum may swing back towards violence again. To the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, you keep your stick on the ice. (applause) performed by caption resource center harold: Here he comes. Sit down. All rise! Everyone: Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red green: Sit down. Harold: Just got one quick announcement this week. Buster hadfield lost his favourite knife. He over sharpened it, and it cut a hole in his pants' pocket. It escaped. He got off lucky that time, huh?